You're Not Actually Self-Sabotaging

Have you ever found yourself frustrated, wondering, Why do I keep getting in my own way?! Maybe you’ve set a goal, felt excited about it, and then, without warning, you procrastinate, shut down, or retreat into old habits. It feels like you’re “sabotaging” yourself, but what if that’s not what’s happening at all?

I am going to put this new paradigm into your world view, and I’d love to see how it lands for you. What if you started to say self-protection instead of self sabotage? I want to change the narrative on this, because your nervous system is not the enemy! Every reaction you have, physical or emotional, is your body’s way of trying to communicate with you. Perhaps an unmet need, maybe a trigger just happened that you have yet to fully accept or acknowledge. Whatever it is, at the heart of your responses, behaviors, reactions, and habits is a deep desire to preserve your safety.

Let me give you a few examples:

Say you want to quit a job that you know doesn’t deserve you. You know you’d be so much happier if you just walked out the door and never looked back. You might even have another opportunity you’ve wanted to pursue for a long time. Maybe you even have a resignation letter ready to go. However, without fail, your mind starts chatting, and it seems to have done a 180. Instead of hitting send, you suddenly find yourself feeling paralyzed. You start overthinking, questioning whether you’re really ready, and convincing yourself that maybe this job isn't that bad after all. At least you have a paycheck, right?

Or maybe you’ve been wanting to start a fitness routine. You buy the workout clothes, research the best plans, and even set an early alarm to get started. But when the time comes, you find yourself scrolling on your phone instead, or hitting snooze telling yourself you’ll “just start tomorrow.”

I want to tell you something very, very important. If you take anything from my ramblings, I beg you, let it be this: these are your nervous system's cries to be noticed; signs that your nervous system is trying to protect you from uncertainty, rejection, or perceived risk. When you can change the narriative around how you view your experiences, it is easy to notice that your nervous system has been a trusted companion and a friend all along, and we've been misunderstanding ourselves this whole time. Your nervous system is a messanger, not a perpetrator. It’s goal is not to sabotage you, so using this phrasing further escalates the self-war that I’d love for us as a society to start to step away from.

At the center of your stress response is a part of your brain called the amygdala, and it’s only job is to keep you safe. So, instead of continuing to blame yourself for struggling to follow through, try asking: What am I protecting myself from? Again, your nervous system isn’t wired for success, and it is not one bit concerned about your happiness, but it is wired for safety. It prioritizes familiarity, even if that familiarity keeps you stuck in a situation you don't want to be in, and even if you want to incorporate something new into your routine, even something simple like taking a few deep breaths in the morning before scrolling. Every time you step outside your comfort zone, your nervous system evaluates whether it’s safe, and if there’s ANY uncertainty, it may pull you back toward old behaviors.

Your mind and body are incredibly intelligent, and constantly communicating. Every habit, every coping mechanism, every so-called “bad” behavior was developed for a reason that you picked up during an experience in your life that kept you safe. Even when your actions don’t align with your long-term goals, they often align with a subconscious need for security.

Learning your own unique body language is a superpower not many people tap into, but there is a self-abandonment when you neglect to pay attention to what your body and mind are trying to communicate to you. It’s not wrong to want to stay in safety, in fact, that’s the most basic form of self-preservation. So I wish you would stop making yourself wrong for this. Instead of saying “I self-sabotaged” say “I self-protected” and see how this feels for you. It's not going to magically fix everything, but it is a great start.

A few more ways to help change this narrative for yourself:

• Notice when resistance shows up and ask simple questions like “what feels unsafe about moving forward?” Your nervous system is likely reacting to an experience in your past that was similar and led to disappointment, stress, embarrassment, (insert perceived “negative emotion” here).

• Create safety before you create change. This can be done by breaking things down into smaller, more managable steps! I am also a huge advocate for grounding and nervous system regulation techniques. (Find my email at the bottom of this post if you want a free grounding nervous system tool emailed to you directly from me!)

• Another hugely helpful way to change the narrative (even if this one seems terrifying and difficult): acknowledge the protective part of you! Instead of shaming yourself like you’ve done time and time again (has this technique ever actually helped?), acknowledge that your mind is trying to protect you.

• Give your feelings space, witness the fears or doubts, and give yourself compassion, patience and grace.

• Another powerful reframe you can say (or write, or sing), is “Instead of sabotaging myself, I’m navigating old fears and creating new safety.” This helps your subconscious pick up on this new sense of safety even sooner!

You are doing amazing, and the fact that you want to change something means that the part of you that wants to grow, to learn, to change has not left! It is still there, inside of you and it can’t wait to see where you go next! But first, you need to address the other emotions in the room as well. I’d start by journaling, reflecting by voice memo, or typing it out. Simple yet very effective!

Lets end this like I would any school paper, IN CONCLUSION: Healing is about learning why you needed protection in the first place, and how to create safety in a new way. When you stop fighting yourself and start listening to what your resistance is trying to tell you, everything shifts! Your nervous system is your protector. Learning to work with it is how you create lasting transformation.

So, next time you feel like you’re standing in your own way, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What part of me is trying to keep me safe?” When you shift from self-criticism to self-understanding, you open the door to true change.

Thank you so much for tuning in today, and if you want to grab a grounding nervous system tool, don't forget to email me at askcoachcoop@gmail.com.

You can find more tools on the Mental Wellness Freebies page!

If you read this and felt that little click of recognition, that sense of oh, this is what's been happening, I'd really love to talk, because that moment of clarity is actually the perfect place to start. Book a free discovery call and let's explore what working through this together could look like for you.

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Remember that you are inspiring, you are loved, keep going!

I am cheering you on!

XOXO,

Coach Coop